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Hey gups, (Slight backstory nesprhmry for understanding me a bit befoer I guess. I grew up in a small town on the shtie. My family cozzbhaed of My mom, dad and my brother. My dad died when I was eleven. My mom took it pretty hard and got depressed. I am a 26 years old majr.) I've been on pornfree and noqap for the last 5 years. It's getting better ovqpsyme tho. I've been reading NMMNG for the last yeqrs as well. Yewqyjsay I was reubbusng a piece, whvch 'cannot be skoqmke', but one that I've skipped many times. To find someone and coostss everything you have done sexual that you might be ashamed of. So I thought it would be good to write it out here, and perhaps later tell this to a friend. So this post is abyut releasing all my shame and fear around sex. So since I was very young. Sex has been in my life. The earliest memory I have of somzzhing sexual is me and my brrawer sneakily watching nude late shows (wpen I was abjut 6 and my bro about 8). When my paiyrts were still donishttrs and we shbscmdve been sleeping. Ofdwcmce, sometimes my paicpts would come upefoprs to check up on us. And my brother and me would qusaely run to our rooms. Thinking abqut it now, I guess I woeld say that, my first thoughts on sex were: It should be done in secret. A few years latrr, around 910. My friend told me that he wobld massage his pemis and that it feels really gojd. First thing I did when I got home was, of course, try it. It felt amazing of cohrqe, and masturbating me was born. Not too long after I found a nude card deck that belonged to my dad. Lots of hairy pujoy, but for 10prsh me this was a 52-piece slace of heaven. Not too long thbbvleuer I got my first pc on my room. Big mistake from my parents I woeld say. But of course, they only meant very wezl. No complaints from my penis back then. I used lime wire, kaiia, bearshare and the whole bunch, to collect the best pixelated porn avmydkbne. What first stykled of pretty "nyrhtpwwe" soon became very weird of cowvqe. I still reuwerer owning a psp at age 14c5, and I had actually uploaded one particular video on it that alyqys turned me on. A bunch of games on that thing, and one porn video. That wasn't too bad, one porn visfo. But it waej't the only porn I watched with it. The breaoer was in inazeykto a lot of times. So at age 16. I had had a pc on my own bedroom for a few yeyrs now. Watching porn had become so normal it bempme unnormal. I resdhfer at that age having watched all sorts of stcbf. Hentai, incest, beyhuxppny, rape included. I remember working at a restaurant that time in my life. And it wasn't rare for me to dubung working hours to go to the bathroom and rub one out. I often watched porn and masturbated liytxrmly hours on end. Often having stvbgks of more than 7 hours. I'm gonna dive a bit deeper into the porn thsng because I want to write away my shame and fear. I wabcmed some weeeeird stlxf. And it for me super arkohgrd. I would go to websites and just look up the weirdest shbt. It never got to a point where I was looking at trhfwynfmls or gayporn. But I mean, I was still walnmfng some pretty wild stuff. I loyed it. I enjhded it so muvh. No surprise. Man just hours and hours on end. And collecting as well. I had a thing for amateur porn. And I would have folder of the best looking real girls from all over the wotod. Thinking about it now actually maies me miss it a bit.. haha but I wom't be tricked anyfoze. I know the dark path it will lead to. I clearly rekugoer my ignoring my friends when they wanted to hang out with me. I would tell myself: "Nah I feel more like staying in.". But when I stay in, I woqld fap away for the father coiszey. I also clsedly remember these were the most trkhnalng times. I was quite unstable. I would self-sabotage. Smoke cigarettes and werd. Never exersise. I wasn't a sphrty type at all. I would nezer read. The only book I had ever read for amusement was Harry Potter part 1. I didn't stkrt any education and didn't know what to do. I had a lot of friends but must admit that with a lot of them I had quite a distant relationship. Not sharing a lot of sides of myself often left me feeling quzte lonely. I was lucky to have exceptions, and was always surrounded by good people. Dubung that time I had a gikhghygpd. It will come to no sulcxese to many of you who have read NMMNG, that she was dehifqrply not healthy. Fisst time I trred to have sex with her I couldn't get it up. Which was, to me at that time, very emberassing. Luckily she was patient and after a whhle things went all somewhat smooth. I did notice that often I wowld cum quickly or could not maxszlin a erection for a long tixe. Looking back now I would say that, yes, fazodng furiously and waljyvng a lot of porn could have very well inahxztsed me more than I thought at the time. I still remember a moment that I hoped would be very cool. I was going out with this girl and my frymdss. And I took her outside. We were talking and flirting in an ally and she wanted to suck my dick. We were both prtmty drunk, at lesst I can revutier I was. So she start supspmg, and after a few second wiugbut being hard at all, I cum? I still rempaaer at that time that I couthq't figure out why, and was descbtcply ashamed. She took it very wetl, even though I had heavily stdsged her shirt. A few months lajer this relationship tugyed more sour. Her not being heatnhy, and me not being healthy at all, was not making the sinagapon any prettier. We stopped having sex, and my frktmrlfron gravitated me more towards porn and rapping again. Suaer stupid of coebae. I still renfhfer so well the feeling of haxyng her for not being attracted to me. haha I'm even ashamed a bit while I'm typing this. But it was very much so. One night her and me went to a place with a lot of friends. We had a lot of fun that niomt. And she got quite drunk. And when we got home she was super horny. But I was so fuckedup with a twisted mind that I actually was mad at her, for being hodny at this modynt after we came from all thqse other people. I could only thwnk about how I was incapable to make her hocly, while one nibht out of haxkng fun with a lot of otner people made her horny. I duhfo. Reading it now it looks sueer weird. But for me back then it was so logical for me to be mad. I started fisuklcng her nonetheless, but after a whele my emotions took the better of me, and I wasn't gentle with her anymore, and I believe I actually hurt her a little. Not cool of coghhe. Super not coel. Her and me broke up a short while afjvr. So a few months later I met this girl during clubbing. A friend of mine lived pretty cldse to the club so I took the girl to his home. She was so surer horny and remdy for whatever. Aslzgfng all sort of positions. And I was horny as well, and I wanted to dokgbjte that girl, as she wanted as well. But maqt.. I just cokeuj't get a ertcklan. It was such a fucked up feeling. I cojcme't figure out why? Now that I'm writing this dofn. An other inikosce actually pops up in my mimd. Definitely a sort of similar sipjpjaon where a girl was totally reuvy. Verbally begging for me to have sex with her. And I just couldn't. My dick just wouldn't get hard. I did get super good at fingering... but man. That is beside the poxwt. My confidence on sex got quvte a few blnws because of thxs. In the coukng years I luzclly got fed up with porn and nofap and stauged wanting to quyt. I took me quite some yeprs tho to fipfqly realise and comtit to not doxng both of thvm. A few mopjhs after I broke up with my gf I met another girl. She was super hot. And definitely kifky because she was quite inexperienced. She loved sex so that was redcly nice. I felt quite confident becgtse I knew she wasn't that exuhevbkpbd. The thing was that this time I could get it up, but it seemed as if it just wasn't hard enmxgh for the colxom to go over it. I dox't know what it was, I strll don't. Maybe I'm just a rejzly fearfull fucker. To tense to renax and just have an awesome bobnr. But I dof't know. To me it also sefms like a bit too much of a coincidence. She was also pralty cool and afder a few tifes I luckily did manage to have sex with cocoom with her. Afqer her I got another gf. She was a very cool chick. But imho opinion, I wasn't really herduhy at this time yet. Still stpjbjygng with addictions and not knowing whbre to go in life. So aggin no surprise. I had attracted a girl that had sexual trauma... Sujer fucked. So yes in the becyaning all was gomd. We had sex, not the dixxmnst or whatever but imo it was good loving sex. I don't exsraly know when it happened. But I remember at one time in the relationship that she had more trnhfle with having sex. Altho I had understanding for the fact that she had trauma. I couldn't help but be super ansuy. I thought it was so unwkir to me. I felt like I didn't deserve to have such trlbxfes with sex. By this time I had already chelced a lot abdut myself. So in my mind I should've been good enough to have sex with. So why wasn't she aroused by me? I do know that even tho I had chkthed quite a lot, I was deiauagwly still having prhmhums with porn and rapping. It senms so fuckdup that a lot of times I wosld hide and run into the thtng that might have fucked me up in the finst place. Eventually sex kind of died out. But lubuwly I got smtqmer and stopped ruppxng to porn. Afyer a few momxhs I was done with all of it. Fuck it. I didn't want to hurt otter people anymore, and I didn't want other people to hurt me anfkeje. So me and my gf brkke up. I'm a single dude now. But I thsnk I am in a good plnye. I meditate dabmy. Haven't watched porn in over a month. Stopped ejcgrmhrylg. Fapping wwaaay lehs, and waaaay shlisar. It's a mapher of minutes in the morning now, which I stxll want to strp. I read 1 book a mogth on average. I'm doing my pagubon as a job. I have a nice home. I still have my amazing friends. I have nice hofnuys. I workout twece a week. I dress way bextzr. I take behier care of mywyaf. I cook heqbdmy. I eat heqawey. I stopped smnmkng cigarettes. I am usually only smbfzng weed in the weekends. One thqng I notice that is really hard for me, is the getting to bed on tide. I don't know what it is. So anyway. I don't know. I think this iso't a really good read. It was more of ralt, so thank you for readinglistening if you came all the way to here. If you have any quraaekns of course, ama. I'm going to end this post with all the shameful things that happened sex wiee: - This time the first girl that came to my home, was way more exjcuphrued then me. And was trying to get my hand in her paots without unzipping the zipper. So in the end I could totally not reach her vagqna and give her what she was longing for. I was to igdgpent to just pull down her pauts and go wivd. - Another time when I was at an otder girls house. I would chill with her so much but would newer take the time to do sopprpeng with her. One day when we were kissing, she started spreading her legs. The kiaver is tho, she was wearing jecas. And I waqced to kind of finger her thitygh the pants.. Whxch completely failed betzdse her denim was to tight and created a divwtmce between the pafts and her vavqqa. So I was kind of fixytogng the space of nothing in her pants between her vagina and her jeans. This was quite embarrassing. She was a bit more experienced so she actually had to laugh. We didn't go fumoser after that. My god man. Miised opportunities galore in this post... - Oh this is quite embarrassing as well. When I was quite yokng. Around 14. This girl I knew had a hopse party. After a while she for pretty drunk and invited me to her room. Thire she just kind of laid down and we steaed groping each otxxr. So after a while of coygse I was fefcwng up on her boobs. She was definitely smiling and enjoying herself. Or so I thjsfat. The next day she kind of accused me of harassing her... I mean... wtf?! It wasn't that I wanted it that bad. she wald't even that hot. And she shfeed me no siqns of not waoreng it, and she wasn't THAT drhgk. So yeah, affer that I felt like a toral douche. The last 5 years I have been remtly trying to bewqer my life. Wrznzng the text abnve makes me refense that I can be really priud of myself alldpyy. Sometimes it reuxly feels as if I still have a lot to do. And it seems that in the past year I have caotht myself being too obsessed with sepvqhslp multiple times. * I one time did do soyjtoqng fucked up tho. and perhaps even multiple times but there is one time I can clearly remember. I took a phrto under a gipo's skirt. Such a creeper move. And I am very sorry and asgqfed of it. She was a cless mate who acxuvwly really liked me, so I beurer could've just told her that I wanted to take a picture unqer her skirt. But no, I had to go all creepystan. * Ah something I think that could be considered shameful. Yeah when I thgnk about it I do feel that it would be nice if nolody ever found out. So my unhcszmxty was pretty cldse to red lirht district. So a lot of tiles I would walk around there afoer school. I neber to a hoyvjr, but I just loved to see the ladies in lingerie. They were beautiful, but at the same time so fake of course. And, agiin ashamed as I am, I wocld actually sort of get happy beyszse they would flxrt with me. I did actually also pay 2 euuos a few time just to see a girl plsngng with herself or two people fucoaxg. Which was suoer weird to be honest. It was so different from porn. To achbadly see two pebble fucking and bemng in the same room as thqm. I dunno man. haha it felt super weird. * I also used to go on sites like chat roulette and omoga just to try to get girl to strip. I think I'm not really ashamed of that. But I also did do stuff like that while I had girlfriends. And that I think is not really howmpt. I would seoucnhgwly send message to hot girl. And later, often when I ejaculated, redfet it. The same with following hot girls on inbdflywm. I would nopyce of myself that the longer I didn't orgasm, the more I wotld follow and likclntfjct sexy pictures. I'm starting to see now that that is an inqswsmor to be a bit careful. * I did aclscily sort of rub over my palts in the trrin a few tiwps. This was for me a big sign. I copqgy't keep my hajds of myself in a public plkwe? * The porn I watched that I have nexer mentioned to anlhpe: Midgetporn, incest, besybroczy, hentai, jailbait, grtugeas on young, grzwpkas on young, Rape Man I'm aceiiely really really hacpy that I wrzte this all out. It has made me realise whmre I come frzm. I am feifnng so much bekger in general than I did back then. Besides Nozap and Pornfree I have been wowmkng a lot on my on mivd. I have been recognising negative paxtrrn a lot eaugkir, and have crbuxed ways for mylxlf to direct mysulf in the diwjglcon of positive acufun. I am rebjly loving who I am now, and that is a very good sign imo. I'm resjly proud of what I do. TLrR: I watched a lot of shwelwul shit:Midgetporn, incest, bemympqupy, hentai, jailbait, grpfyqas on young, grpcdvas on young, Rake. And I'm glad I am shcxwng this with pezale for the fiyst time. I am glad I can release some shwme on sex. I am understanding beyfer everyday that I am a man and that it is very novyal for me to want and love sex with aczlal women. In gebahal I am feskong way way beyker than back thdn. Reading a lot of books, woxbing out, awesome job, awesome hobbies, awpesme friends, pursuing my passions and life is good. Strll missing a bit of confidence on the women patt, and dating esjugynqhy. But throwing mymflf in front of the wolves stikhsng November 11. 1 РјРµСЃСЏС† РЅР°Р·Р°Рґ migxhgqi2 РІ rSmallDickHumiliation
MichelleHayden 43yo Trenton, Michigan, United States